When You Watch So Many Barbie Movies You Start To Think The Cartoon Guys Are Hot. That Is My Life. Plus Dog Hair.

You can take that post title to mean that little miss #5 isn't sleeping again.

I think she figured out that life was going a liiiiiittle too smoothly, and thought it would be rad to kick it up a notch. We're on Barbie & Disney Princess overload, when the little tyrant sleeps, it's with her "glass slippers" (from Target, worth EVERY PENNY of the $19.99), and some sort of puffy dress. I'm buzzing from lack of sleep or caffeine overload, behind on laundry and housework. Ya know, the usual.

For some reason i made myself think this year would be easier with actually watching my son play in his baseball games.
But again, WRONG.
The almost 2 & 1/2 year old does not wish to do that.
Kind of like she does not wish to sleep.
I miss being able to put her on my shoulder or knee, and pat her until she fell asleep.
I tried that yesterday and she told me stop, and that i'm a stinky-gung.
I probably was, i hadn't showered yet.

I'm on week 2 of Ripped In 30 (Jillian Michaels), and successfully sticking to a meal plan without freaking out and cheating my face off - i'm NOT trying to sell it, but i'm doing 30 days of Plexus Slim & the accelerator - I wasn't going to say a word about this, but I gotta tell you - at this point (day 9) I totally do not even have the urge to snack between meals. This is miraculous. And I am not a "magic pill" person for anything. Ever. And usually when i try things, the opposite happens. Back in the day, i tried Hydroxycut and Exanadrine. I had NO energy. I was sleeping constantly, and hated coffee. It was weird. But so far, this is different - the fact that I don't even want to sneak food and hide somewhere to eat it - HUGE. Seriously. I kid you not...every time I would go somewhere alone (not often, but still) I would buy secret food and smash it into my face. I'm talking 4-5 King-Size candy bars. I truly do not even WANT to do that - i'm not hungry. So, though I'm not telling everyone go do it, I get some people might not have the results they want, some people have had bad reactions, I have not had any of those problems, and if you are at a desperate place like I was and just needed something to jump start you, it's totally worth a shot. Also, please don't spam me with weird comments about horror stories or whatever. I'm personally not experiencing any of that, i'm doing a very balanced, healthy diet and 2 workouts a day 5-6 days a week. I'm going to get results nomatter what's going on - UNLESS i was still shoving 5,000 calories of sugar into my face while playing hide & go eat.

I still need to find a dog hotel or something for our trip to Tennessee in 4 weeks. Now we have a bunny as well. For some reason i promised a Gerbil and more rabbits and maybe a cat when we get home.

I feel a very deep and strong desire to go to The Christmas Tree Shops, and i'm not sure how much longer i can ignore it.

My husband is working on a window seat for me that currently looks like a coffin.

I was informed by my 10yr old nephew,"when EXACTLY are you scheduling my weekly sleepovers like my parents say you should" - ummmmm....never?? I don't do anything weekly. My husband hates sleepovers. I don't do schedules. I'm wondering if my brother & sister in law are under the impression that we have endless sleepovers and playdates with other people, when it's pretty few and far between because we have a buttload of other things going on. Like school, Church, sports, gymnastics...anyway, that was a fun conversation.

So that's what's up right now - i wish the sun would come out, i need more coffee, and i definitely need a shower.

Peace outsies, and Happy Tuesday!

Mother's Day In The Asylum

So, ok. Mother's Day, yet again, has made me realize how flipping blessed I am.

I had at least 10 conversations with different women about how their husband and kids don't even acknowledge that day, nothing happens, and it's a day like any other.

I may live in an insane asylum/penitentiary, but this day is a total thing here, so is Father's Day.

Granted, I may get things from my kids that are really things they want and know I will share or hand over soon, but they LOVE to go out and pick gifts. My husband takes all of them to Target and wanders around until they find what they want. He always gets me a card (and WRITES amazing things in it), my favorite flowers, and other little things. He and the kids make me breakfast in bed. Which can be scary. The sounds, smells, overhearing things - i'm totally banned from leaving my bedroom by the way.

I took the opportunity to clean, fold laundry, make the bed and watch an episode of Supernatural while hanging out in there. Then I got yelled at for cleaning.

In about 70minutes, up the stairs they came. My food was on a Christmas cookie tray - homemade pancakes, cheese eggs, a side of cheez-its, a granola bar, and 2 gummi snacks. And a fruit smoothie. This is where it gets interesting.

See, I do the grocery shopping. So therefor, I also know when we have no fruit. Or, at least, nothing that isn't bordering on a scientific experiment. So this was scary. And you know I had to drink it. I HAD TO. No choice. My almost 11yr old son made it, and that makes it all the more scary, because he doesn't really have standards for freshness.

I tasted...
Banana
Apple
Peanut butter
Pina Colada mix

There was also honey, soy milk (from like Feb), and vanilla extract I think. The banana was black. The apples were chucked in whole. Because it's a BLENDER, it can blend anything, you see. It totally didn't taste bad, but the thought of things in various stages of decay being thrown in a blender was hard to get past. But I did it. Took one for the team of Moms.

Everyone had breakfast in my bed with me. Pancakes, eggs, syrup and butter being passed around the bed.

Then, presents.
Snickers, earings, a locket, the first season of The Middle, face wash wipes (because 12yr old knows I pretty much NEVER wash my face at night), cards made by my kids...gorgeous card from my husband, a $25 Salon Wellness gift card, and THE NEW MICHAEL BUBLE CD! SCORE!

It was really, really sweet.
I know I blog ALOT when i'm like, "HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE", but i'm just saying...

I have a 12yr old daughter who knows me, and bought me things she thought would make my life easier.
I have an almost 11yr old son who knows my favorite show, and that i'm too cheap most of the time to buy episodes On Demand.
I have an almost 9yr old daughter who wants me to put her and me in a locket and always wear it.
I have a 7yr old daughter who picked earrings she thought I would love (they are really cute!) and wanted to be the first to give me something special.
AND I have a 2yr old who gave me many sloppy kisses:)
And they all couldn't wait for Mother's Day to give me things they picked out, the goofy cards, and make breakfast!

2013 was another successful Mother's Day!!

I'm not gonna lie, it was dicey at moments though. Seriously. Some things i won't even write for fear of being busted. Our dog got carsick and threw up like crazy in the car, it was dog playdate gone wrong with barking, growling, chasing, and screaming to all kids, "DON'T TRY TO GET BETWEEN THEM!!!", 9yr old being on a tire swing going super high as the rope broke and she fell (AGAIN, second swing fall this week) to the ground in front of everyone, i got close-lined by my sister's dog's run and my leg is JACKED up & gross, interesting moments with my nephews and niece, the dog eating my dinner, 2yr old being SUPER clingy and yelling stuff about boobs, a baby bunny that got found and fought over and caused ALOT of problems and is now on my dining room table, and screaming at 75% of my kids when it was bedtime.

Oh, and we totally blew off Church.

The kids like Daddy's pancakes better than Mommy's.

And they are all still fighting over the dang bunny that I was hoping was going to pass on quietly during the night.

Basically, it was normal day, but I got presents:)

And I learned the valuable lesson of throwing all rotten things away, lest they be made into a smoothie for me.

I Know What!! I'll Go Back To College!!

Totally kidding.

But the thought crossed my mind the other night. It does every now and then, but I actually said something this time. Sitting on the couch, I mean...heck, Shannen Doherty can do it...

My husband said how the family would support me, and that I've done, and do, so much that if there's a dream I have, they would all do what they could to make it happen. Totally sweet!

SO sweet.

Then I realized...Susanna...really?

You haven't changed at all. In fact, you're worse now.

I went to a 1yr Bible college, where my biggest accomplishment was meeting my future husband and hooking up with him on a pool table.
2.98 gpa, people.
IN BIBLE.
One of my tests was marked, "too much weekend?".
IN A BIBLE COLLEGE.

I swear if I ever tried to go back, I would basically turn into the old person who tries to hang out with the cool kids and gets into trouble and maybe kicked out of college or whatever. My husband would be bailing me out of jail. And because he was a cop, and still has all the friends, everyone would know. So...

Probably, I guess i'm going to just stick with this Mom-gig.
Drinking cold coffee from an,"I heart to fart" mug.
Googling, "bookshelves + cheap + not Sauder".
Extra window open for People magazine.
Or STILL trying to pick a dress on Pin Up Girl Clothing because my husband got me a gift certificate for Christmas, and I keep thinking I'll be skinnier by ____, but maybe i'm just not ever going to be skinnier, and I need to bite the bullet and get something cute. And a spray tan.

P.S. All of you who said awesome, commiserating, encouraging, understanding things yesterday in the middle of my meltdown, thank you. It was amazing. I HATE BEING SAD. Hate. HATE. If there was a pill I could take to make that stop, that would be awesome. But I really need something that would give me energy, make me happy, and have a side effect of skinny - so that narrows it down to like...heroine or cocaine.

Well, the kids are all wandering down, it has begun (please tell me you always read, "IT HAS BEGUN" with Mortal Kombat voice?)

Time to make the pancakes.
And by pancakes, I might mean cereal.

And not go to college:)

I Didn't Make Anything Out Of Paper Mache Today, But Maybe My Kids Did If You Count Toilet Paper Plastered To The Floor With Pee.

I looked at crafty posts first thing this morning. Basically, my day was doomed after that. Maybe *I* could make pretty, fancy, fun, whimsical pencils TOO!!! Yeah no. It's like I don't even have words. I can't make pencils.

this was the glory underneath my couches. God help me.

I can't even get one room clean.

I certainly cannot make paper mache pencils.

What I could make is a brand new full size dog out of all the dog hair on my floor. I could probably scrape enough food together to make a 12 course meal for our family off all the stuff on the floors as well.

I'm tired.

Tired of the monotony.

But when you're a Mom, it's like you're in a Groundhog's Day loop. Minus how Bill Murray gets to eat everything and not get fatter.

And if I DID take time to make some fancy pencils, the mess that would occur in my house while I'm not running around putting out fires would be so insane...so insane. Then the dog would eat the pencils, and i'd have nothing to show for my day.

Not that I actually ever have anything to show for my day.

I don't. The house is just as messy or more messy at 9pm than when I started my day off cleaning.

Yup, i'm sad today. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. My house smells. My yardwork made the backyard look worse, and I kindof didn't think about what I would do with all the trees and ivy after chopping and pulling. I'd like to set it all on fire, but that is probably illegal.

I need to re-caulk the bathroom tub, but i'm not sure how or when to do that when we have a family of 7. I'm not going to escape this day without crying. It's going to happen. Everyone ELSE has a clean house. Everyone ELSE has their crap together.

My son is intentionally ticking off the 2yr old and then acting shocked when he ends up in trouble.

I see people drinking on TV and I wish I had some too. Right now.

I'm tired of yelling.

I'm tired of being in charge of everything.

I'm tired of sucking at everything.

I'm tired of waking up frustrated, sad, and overwhelmed, and I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know how to be a parent.

I literally feel like the hired help except I don't get paid.

My face looks worse now than when I was 14.

I have no words for my hair. None.

My saggy mommom arms.

I don't feel capable of anything because I can't do everything. If that makes sense.

So on this cold, gross, windy May day, where the THOUGHT of Mother's Day and all the ridiculous running around and trying to find time in my schedule to get gifts for our Mom's and make sure we spend time with them, and a birthday party that is 3 hours away, and Little League games, and just thinking about how busy this week is and wondering how it is that I end up doing so much on my own, i'm just saying...barf.

I don't know how to do this.

When You're Like, "Awww, Yes, High School Graduate, You Will Totally Travel And See The World" And Then You Laugh Till You Cry.

Today, let us address the topic of kids. High school. College. Whatever. Kids. You're a kid to me, by the way, until your sweet, silly, innocent, ridiculous face has children of your own. Then you are officially an adult to me. I know, I know. It's age-ist or some IST of some kind. I know. But it still stands.

As we near graduation time, or, "WOOOO WE'RE SENIORS YEAH SENIORS RULE!!! CLASS OF 2014" time, whichever - I hit cynical, yet awwww time. Where i'm like, awww...yeah Johnny, you'll totally "travel" when you graduate. You will, you shall travel to Walmart to unload the truck. Or, "awww, yes Kristi with an I, you will just go so far from this day forth, you shalst goeth to the tanning salon to work BUT you will get a discount on YOUR tan, so it's totally awesome."

Here's the deal, kids. Your parents aren't just LETTING you go off to Paris alone. They're not LETTING you go to New York. You won't actually want to leave your friends or family. You'll probably, at some point, look back on High School or College as one of the funnest times of your life, even if NOW, you can't wait to "get out". "Oooh my life is soooo stressful, I can't wait to just get out of here". Oh my. Oh my gosh. No. Shhhh, no. Just no. I want to pat you on the head.

I feel all Billy Madison for these crazy kids about their future. JUST SLOW DOWN.

Where i'm like....don't rush it. Don't. Because before you EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, you will be 36, sitting next to a hefty bag full of diapers and a rotted casserole while BLOGGING (I know. I KNOW.), wearing size HUGE-GANTIC jeans, wishing you hadn't done that kinda shaving yesterday because you both fell asleep last night before you could take advantage of said shaving where you shaved so-so much that you may have violated yourself and now it's like a crew cut, you're way too excited about burgers for dinner when you used to be excited about going out on a date, you used a broom and your husband's old underwear to clean the cobwebs and earwigs out of the old plastic play house for your surprise #5 child who needs something fun to do in your backyard, which is also a minefield of dog poop, half eaten shoes, and holes from the dog that you are basically only keeping because she has an awesome scary bark and you live in a ghetto and the 2yr old says,"this is my puppy Sarah, not your puppy, she's my best friend ever". I'm just saying. I view kids and graduation with this bittersweet feeling. Where i'm like, "yeah, actually, you're NOT going to Paris, and your innocence makes my heart throw up blood", AND,"aww, enjoy it. ENJOY THIS FREEDOM and FAKE RESPONSIBILITY WHILE IT LASTS, YOU IDIOT!"

Truth is, no. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. Truth is, this is what I dreamed of. A husband who adores me. Kids who I love more than life itself. A home that IS HOME. Where you have that feeling...we're home. It's a hot mess, but we're home. Truth is, i'm understanding and accepting and trying to stop "judging" (this word is harsh, but I think you know what I mean??) what other Moms look like. What I look like now. Do I wish I was 18 again, skinny, and tan and had fresh (not 6 months old) highlights and nice nails? Um, yeah. Freakin' always. Do I understand a liiiiiiittle bit more why some Moms look the way they look? H*LL YES I DO. So, yeah. This blog post is all over the place. And no, I don't mean to be a big jerk to graduates and people without kids...it's just...it's a different life, you know? A different mentality. One where some days, i'm like HOLY CRAP ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM!!! and then the next, i'm seriously praying to Jesus that my husband would want one more baby, because what we have is amazing. It's totally insane. But it's amazing. And I am one ridiculously lucky woman to have it.

The Peen Chop. OR: Do Other Men Have These Concerns?

So I keep thinking about this...vasectomy...in a land of condoms and sex that goes horribly wrong and actual squeaking noises like when pool floats rub against each other, it's starting to look like a good direction. When we finally have time for some romance, and then have to interrupt to find the box of condoms and then get all ready and then...I swear it's like you have to start from scratch again when you were just seconds before all WOOOOOOO. I'm too old for the pill. OLD. I don't want ANY options where it even has a slight chance of doing something to a even possibly fertilized egg and ending a maybe pregnancy. Yes, I am that person. Deal with it. But as long as I stay away from movies like, "This is 40", or "What to Expect When You're Expecting", i think I'm finally leaning towards the big peen chop.

STILL the finality of it makes me sad though...for real. When I think about finding out about #5 after thinking we were DONE...she's 5 years after #4...I spent almost $100 on pregnancy tests because I swore they had to be faulty. It took me almost a week to tell Mr Swat. And it was magic. Insanity, but magic. Even as I sit here in a house that is covered in snacks, cereal, melted popsicles, and a bag of trash that has been sitting by the desk for a week and smells like death...yeah, that thought of NEVER AGAIN still makes me sad. Knowing that #5 is "the last" everything is sad! i'm weird, whatever. Anyway, I brought it up last night...and basically, this is what went down.

me: "So, ok...i'm thinking about a vasectomy or whatever again..."

mr swat: "Ok, i'll do it. But ONLY if you're sure."

me: "Aww thanks babe, I appreciate that!"

mr swat: "But....I have questions..."

me: "Ok, like what?" (This is where I was thinking too much. Surely he has questions about our future, the "what if" thing in a few years, would we regret this? Um. No.)

mr swat: "What if IT happens when i'm getting it done. What if the nurse is hot and IT happens. What if she ISN'T HOT and IT happens?? WHAT IF IT'S JUST THE DR AND IT HAPPENS?? Do they have to pick my stuff up? What if the Dr is like, this is the smallest one I've ever seen? Probably it's the biggest, but what if he said it was the smallest?"

At this point, we had to go yell at 3 our of 5 kids and put them all to bed. But you see what i'm dealing with. And now i'm remembering why he never went through with it in 2004 after little #3 was born. And why that was 2 kids ago. I don't know what will happen right now. But I do know that after almost 20 years with this man, he is still basically an 18yr old wacko. And I love it.

She's The Most Worstest Blogger In The Worrrrrrld!!!

Yup so i suck at this. Total shocker coming from someone who is totally inconsistent and never finishes anything, right? It's like wooooo that's crazy news.

If anyone was following me on Twitter, i totally deleted my account because it was ridiculous and made me crabby - although it's a great outlet until people start to think they know you because of the goofy things you write and feel free to give you life advice or something. Apparently, those types of people are everywhere. Even Twitter. My favorite would be the people who think you're serious when you're not.

I wish i had something awesome or funny to say after not blogging for 15 days, but i kinda don't. So i'll just take this time before i try to clean a super scary kid bedroom to compile a glorious little list for you of my life, such as it is, since 2 weeks ago.

- My sister in law asked if i was pregnant in front of everyone at a dinner out last Sunday, so that was nice. Like forcing the issue and not taking the forced smile and fake nice, cheerful, "no, no i'm not" as an answer.

- I burned my forehead with a curling iron - still trying to make the freaking bangs obey, p.s., they won't - and i look insane.

- I am pretty sure i'm managing to get fatter while running and eating healthy.

- I thought i did this awesome job with the finances and getting everything on track, then the next day a pile of more bills comes AND i forgot to factor in a trip to Tennessee for a wedding. Rad.

- My 2yr old (i'm going to survive the toddler years, right?....RIGHT GUYS?!) told me today she doesn't want to be nice, because, "i'm not nice, i'm ME".

- I'm literally jealous of my 12 year old for how funny, pretty and tiny she is. I don't like being the old fat Mom. I don't. I saw my reflection - broken out skin, wrinkles, curling iron burn and i almost started crying. When did i get so old.

- My house is still trashed and i still  have not bought a bookshelf or painted the area where the old bookshelf was that i broke that i painted AROUND.

- My son - who i love, i do - is constantly finding new ways to make me insane, and likes to promise the 2yr old things he has no power to promise then i get to deal with meltdown child.

- My dog has her period. Or whatever - she's in heat. So that adds some magic.

- If i wedged a stick into my stomach skin, i could shelter a family of 4 and their animals during a storm.

- Baseball has eaten our life, and we have to wait until August for it to poop it out.

- I need a new propane tank.

- I should probably start potty training the 2yr old, but i don't want to.

- Family drama that just gets more and more drama-ish and i want to beat the crap out of people.

- I would like to pack up and run away, with my family. Like, Lancaster...cheesy gift shops, smorgasbords, train rides, and shamelessly ogling Amish people and thinking i could somehow pull that lifestyle off.

- Not spending enough time with my husband. I swear once sports start, it's like peace out, see you on Sunday maybe. It's weird. Then we finally have a weekend moment, and i fall asleep on the couch while he watches the newest depressing dark law enforcement/federal agency/military movie.

- The fact that it's almost May and it's STILL FREEZING. I was promised a hole in the o-zone and global warming. WHERE THE POOP IS IT.

So, basically that's it, only add to that the fact that #5 has just dumped an entire bowl of corn on the couch and floor in the livingroom. I'm going to get another cup of coffee, put on some wool socks (j/k i don't even have wool socks, probably i will wear a pair of my husbands dress socks because THAT IS HOW FAR BEHIND ON LAUNDRY I AM), and go clean a room.

And i will undoubtedly come out of that one clean room to find that my precious angels have taken that opportunity to mess up the rest of the house worse.

                                                          I leave you with a video.