Dearly Beloved, We Are Here To Remember Yoga Pants, With Fondness.

Did i just mix marital vow stuff with a funeral? I have no idea. But i'm here to tell you, my yoga pants are dead. Because i'm so freaking FAT. I stretched all that cute Victorias Secret writing that used to say LOVE PINK on my butt (who doesn't want that on their butt, by the way) until it cracked and peeled off. Now it looks like it has a bad sunburn. Or maybe they're zombie yoga pants with chunks of flesh falling off.

Aaah, memories...I remember when i got them, i was actually pregnant. And they fit my cute little tummy. Looked great on my butt. Made my thighs look smaller. Then...2 and a half years went by. They became that gross gray/black color that's not cute anymore. Though at times they looked great on me, i can say with honesty that i look like Honey Boo Boo's mom in them now. My fat jeans don't fit. I'm down to an ugly pair of yellow sweats, and my husbands sweats. YES. Jesus, take the wheel.

You know what's fun? I'll tell you what's fun. When you weigh the same amount NOT PREGNANT that you did when you were 9 months pregnant. Yup. That's what i'm dealing with here.

So you plan to start. Then, you get the flu. Flu morphs into a cold. You get your period. You have sick kids.

I was (and am) a FIRM believer in taking time for yourself. But now i am also the first to admit that is a HECKOFALOT easier said than done. When you have kids. 5 kids. A toddler. When you actually forgot what it was LIKE to have a toddler. One who wants to break you mentally and physically. My start this year hasn't happened yet.

But it has to. It will. It's just all timing. I've done it before, i'll do it again. But MOTHER POOPER. I have serious work cut out for me. I will totally do before and after pictures, and maybe i will be brave enough to share them. I know exactly what i'm doing workout & meal plan wise, it's just getting the chance to START that is the issue right now. Because, like i said, as a stay at home, homeschooling, in charge of EVERY FREAKIN' THING Mom, it all comes down to finding the perfect time. Because it feels like i can't do it without completely not doing something else that is equally important. I'll get it though.

I just want to not feel disgusting anymore. Embarrassed. Remember, i totally have my period right now, so i'm a hot mess. I started crying today because no one cares that the house is messy. No one cares how hard i work. I sat on my bed for 70 minutes hoping #5 would stop screaming and take a nap. I found more gray hair. I went in the basement and cried because it was clean before, i almost had a fun kid room going, and now it's full of junk, Christmas decoration boxes, and dishes and cups my kids left down there. I got angry at Jessica Alba for being beautiful. I got mad that all my friends hang out with each other all the time and have nothing but fun because they don't homeschool, or they don't have 5 kids. I got jealous that 2 friends work together and get to wear nice clothes and act like grownups and feel important. Because of #5 being sick, she hasn't slowed down or stopped nursing. She wants to even MORE. It's making me feel crazy, trapped, TRAPPED BY MY BOOBS. If i stop, she may never sleep again. The bad moments with miss #5 have been so mentally draining, i can't even put it into words. She has made me feel like i'm losing my mind. NO, i can't imagine life without her. But holy crap. I forgot how hard it was. I feel like a failure as a mom and wife. I read through texts i sent my husband, and i could not believe what a whiny awful miserable excuse for a person i sound like. Cue extreme guilt. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH. I'm a mess.

I don't want to get older. I didn't WANT to be this age and look like this. So we're back to starting some sort of me-time workout schedule. I don't know how i'm going to do it, but i need to do it. Praying to JESUS that i can start Monday. Treadmill is ready, i have 4 new dvds. I just need to grocery shop and get rid of all unhealthy options. I just want to feel like me again, have some pride (not crazy kind, just mainly NOT HATE MYSELF), and look good for myself and my husband again.

I can do it. Right?