This one is weird. It's SUPER insane personal.
So, yes. I'm still nursing #5. I KNOW. It's not constant, but it's like the only fix for everything. She still wakes up every 2 hours through the night, or less. This is the only way to get her back to sleep. I have feelings from, "this is so sweet" to "OHMYWORD GET OFF ME". This has never happened before with my other kids, they were always done by 12 months or so. So it's totally new to me. We can't leave her anywhere for the night (14yr anniversary coming up, and we can't go anywhere!) because of it. AND, from what some good friends say, this is also why i never want to give out. I'm NEVER in the mood. Now, you know we do. And we do it good. But i'm almost never "there" mentally. And i hate it. It makes me feel so horribly sad, guilty, and like a rotten excuse for a woman and wife. Sometimes i cry.
My husband loves me. I've totally bragged him up before, and it's all true. He's amazing. He is gorgeous. He is muscular and yummy. He thinks i'm sexy when i'm fat, skinny, whatever. He does dishes, plays with our kids, ignores the pink scary mail that comes from time to time. But he wants what every man wants. Mmm-hmm. You know. Like more than once a week. And i am horrible at it. Now also an issue, i hate condoms. Who doesn't. They cause problems for my lady bizz. They make it angry. But, as i am an elderly gal, there isn't really a good alternative anymore and i'm still not ready to do anything permanent, and he would never do it unless i was, there we are.
Anyway, rabbit trail. All this to say...we used other means last night. Which means it was faster. Good for me. Still, in my mental state, not fast enough for me. Not, "aaah just get it over with", for me. I feel so ashamed of myself even writing that! Like that awful wash of cold over you? That is happening right now.
Then, IT HAPPENED. He said, "you know why i don't like it to be fast? because i love being close to you so much". Um, yup, i was laying there with tears pouring out into my ears. We have been together since 1995. Married almost 14 years. We have 5 kids, a dog, so many responsibilities...he has a 2hr commute both ways to work. And you know what he wants? To be close to me. And i just want it over with. Now i know my attitude in my thoughts was not because i don't love him, oh my word i LOVE him-love him. So much. I've said it a million times, i married the ONLY MAN i would ever have cheated on my husband with. He's the one. Forever. But i was just so overwhelmed by being sad, ashamed that i was making something really important and special to him into something where i'm inwardly annoyed and not being there 100%...
Like yesterday's post, i just want to maybe to admit i suck at this gig, and i want to do better. I get so focused on being a good Mom or - HONESTLY - almost more on just surviving the day - that i forget to BE THERE. In my mind i'm already bouncing on to the next thing. I've never been good at that, "enjoy the moment" thing everyone talks about - i don't know how to enjoy the moment! I feel like especially after having kids, you're just always planning the next thing, what do i need to pack, who needs lunch, ok, we'll do math in 15 minutes, when did i clean the bathroom last?, why do i smell pee...oh a diaper on the nightstand - THIS is my brain since i had children. And i'm just saying i want to be a better wife.
I WANT TO BE A BETTER WIFE. He needs me. I need him. And i don't want him to ever feel like he's not a priority to me. He is still the boy i saw walk through a door and who i knew i was going to marry. Only i love him more now.