6 LIES. And It's Really Hard To Concentrate When There Are 150 Baby Wipes Piled Next To Me. P.S. Toddlers Are Awesome.

I had the really awesome (ok, not awesome) intentions of writing a post about our family Superbowl party, but i'm still wrapping my brains around it.

Then i thought, heck, i'ma write about lies i have told in my life.

I still am, but in the back of my mind is, "um...where's my period? when is it coming? did i count right? i'm pregnant. no i'm not. i should buy tests. NO i shouldn't, because then i GET it after i spent $18. we could make it work. my husband will leave me. just kidding, me, he won't. he'd cry though. i'd cry. why do i think i'm pregnant every single month. if i was pregnant now at this weight, sweet Jesus, the size i would be in 9 months. i wonder if i could lose 20lbs while i was pregnant. holy crap stop it. you're not. you're basically so old you're menopausal. why did my mom try to feel my stomach last night. i'm just fat. i'm supposed to start eating healthy right now, but i wish i brought those oreos home. was that a baby kicking?"

Then bills. It's payday. This also means it's pay bills day. I've been so sick over it and i keep forgetting certain ones, and i KNOW i need to get a program to pay them for me. I'm out of checks. I don't want to call and TALK to people. Eew. You can only use, "My Mom is in the hospital" so many times. Just kidding i never did that. Ok, i did. But they don't take, "i forgot" well. And the truth is, i either forget, or i'm so-so-so freakout sick over just looking at things that i hide them. I KNOW. Welcome to my brain.

This, of course, leads to me looking for a new house on Realtor.com.

The smell of baby wipes is nauseating. DOES THAT MEAN I'M KNOCKED UP?? No-no, shhhh, they just smell horrible. Calm down. Calm down.

As you can see,  i'm a mess. So why not take this moment to take a walk down memory lane of lies i have told in my life. This is so dumb. Whatever, right? It's Monday.

1.) I was a lifeguard.
I was not a lifeguard. I worked at a lake. I worked in the snack bar. And i can whip you up one of the best cheese steaks and cheese fries you've ever had.

2.) I was asked to be a model.
No, i wasn't. Well, once i had a very -VERY creepy man ask me if he could drawl me because he did sci-fi cartoon strips. But i told someone (ok a boyfriend) that i was asked to be a model. Now, this was only because he wouldn't stop talking about some girl at his school who was one. I had to.

3.) My kids had chicken pox.
Nope. I told this to our Dentist because i actually forgot about an appointment, and i panicked. They fired me and sent me a list of other Dentists, but not because of that one. Oh Susanna. You are a mess.

4.) I weighed 125.
Hi. Unless i was 14 at the time, i've probably never weighed that. I wish i did. So, Skii rental place and teen boy who i couldn't tell the truth to because it would have made part of my soul die, NO I'M NOT and NEVER have been, and if i fell and those skiis didn't pop off and i died, it would have been my fault.

5.) I floss daily.
Do i even need to go into this one?

6.) Nooo, honey, that's just a letter from _____ company to tell us we're awesome, don't open it, i'll look at it Monday.
It's not a letter saying how awesome we are. I need to fix that really quick.

So, this is it for the day. Just ridiculous. Now i'm getting back to school for the day with the kids, writing up the grocery list, and waking up #1 to do her school...or...getting more coffee and trying to find a new house.