It's been a week. Not even a week maybe? Since not writing anything. Every dang time i sit down to say something, i can't. I don't have anything. Or i have SO MUCH it won't come out at all. As usual, i'm kinda a huge mess. Is it Winter? Is it ME? I don't even know. I feel like my brains are this giant pile of weird thoughts, responses to things i wish i had said, recipes i will never make, we're out of soap, hey i could MAKE soap, no i can't, holy crap i don't want to do math today, i haven't paid that bill yet...it's a MESS.
I've been in a ridiculous dumb UUUGH zombie land - where i get totally pissed off when people don't understand what i'm saying. You know, because i always understand other people (no i don't). I deactivated my personal Facebook yesterday for about 7 glorious hours - mainly because i get soooooooo tired of people not understanding that i'm joking and giving me advice. Or leaving this comment, "??"". Why do these things haunt me so? DO I NEED MEDICATION?? Anyway, then a random kid of mine played some game, and the account was activated again. So much for life without the ol' book of faces.
If you're like, "um, so if you're on Twitter or Facebook goofing off, when are you doing school or cleaning or....". Yeah. This is literally the worst school year we have had since #5 was born. We're getting it done, but it's a mess. So don't go all concerned annoying social worker on me. I'm overwhelmed - apparently, that's like my thing. Giving myself pep talks out loud like a crazy person. My house is trashed. It needs weeks of special care. Again, just knowing that makes me overwhelmed.
Life with a toddler is killing me. I forgot all this. Throw in the crazy puppy who i am pretty sure has some kind of cocaine habit or something with all the energy...the finances, the laundry.
Here's the thing, i know i've said before the whole, "i'm not perfect, i'm real" thing, but honestly, i would kill for some "fake" - and, by the way, i'm not saying people who get it all done are fake AT ALL - i know that came out wrong. They are motivated, scheduled, organized, hard workers and i admire it...i have bursts of that, then it all gets wrecked and i don't know what the point was in the first place. But still. Some days i would love to run the house like a strict orphanage or something, and for things to look pretty for more than 5 seconds. My kids need more responsibilities. BUT i need to actually be responsible in order for them to be responsible.
I'm messy. I'm a mess. I want to be fun, funny, and perfect AND have a clean home AND kids that know everything and are angelic AND have time for a 2 hour workout AND know what i'm making for dinner AND be on time with bills...not have no idea when i brushed my teeth, or showered.
I want to hang out with friends and have fun. I want to be a perfect Mommy. I want to be an amazing wife.
Then on the other hand, i don't know how people have TIME to hang out with friends. If we have people over, my week is shot from preparing for it. Cleaning, getting snacks, trying to make it all cute and nice. Then we didn't get enough school done and have oatmeal for dinner and i'm like whaaat the heck. I've promised like 900 people we will hang out. Um so that's overwhelming. I'm not really a huge hanger-outer. Especially the hangouts that don't end. I can't handle that. My kids can't handle that. I need time limits. Is anyone else as weird as me with that? Then, also, i do have 5 kids, so the chances that we are all well at once to have a playdate is kinda slim this time of year.
Don't take this as i don't love my life - i do. I will punch you in the face SO HARD if you even think that. I love it. I just need to figure out how to control it more. The whole enjoying it thing...i see friends and Moms who seem to enjoy EVERYTHING. And i'm twitching, crying inside and humming a One Direction song that is stuck in my head.
It's not always like this either - i just get in funks i guess. Where i need someone to shake me and slap me like in movies and tell me to get it together.
Mary Poppins moving in with us would also be ok.