*hormonal disclaimer: this one is just a blaaaa post and i know i sound insane. that is all*
Fatty is cranky. This means that she will probably be surfing the crimson wave as a nice anniversary
surprise tomorrow. WHO DOESN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN. I personally love the fear that i leaked on the Applebees booth. Clenching and doing those useless and stupid kegels like it's going to do any good stopping the massacre. Men, you have no idea. Cherish the fact that you don't get a period. We don't like it any more than you do, we like it less. Especially when you realize it's going to hit a date night. A holiday. A wedding. Vacation. And, usually, IT DOES. It's awesome like that. Mine has made an appearance a week early or week late, just to screw things up.
So, after telling a few people how overwhelmed i've been, this just in, i've gotten some awesome advice. I should do this thing called take time for me. I know, right? It's like...ok, i will do that. Right away. Whew, glad i now know what to do. I was like, aaaah what do i do? What? Take TIME? Wow. So, i'm good now.
Yes. Sarcasm. The precious jewel atop the glorious, magical crown of my period coming.
Sometimes, i'm just like...
Ummm....ok, so I have 5 kids. I homeschool them. My husband has a 2hr commute both ways. He doesn't do a normal job. It's insane. I do the finances, the cleaning, the cooking, blaa-blaa, just like pretty much all other mommies of the world.
So, A.) i feel like i need to just shut up and DO IT all because everyone else does.
And, B.) i feel overwhelmed but i don't actually have the means, financial or childcare wise, to just "take some time" and i feel like i NEED time.
Then, C.) i feel guilty that i want/need time. I shouldn't. I should be able to handle everything. I love my life, i chose this job, i should be able to deal with it on my own.
I shouldn't need "me time". I SHOULDN'T NEEED IT!!!
And, by the way, "me time", to me, is not going to some lady-party. If i'm getting time away, it darn skippy isn't going to be for anything that isn't worth me even being away from my husband and kids. Looking at makeup i don't want, candles that are overpriced, jewelry that is ridiculous, or bags i don't like...just nope. Loud-loud ladies. It's not me. And if that's your rodeo, you do it. You ride that Mary Kay bucking bronco. It's just not my thing. Now, tell me i can go to Target alone? Barnes & Noble alone and get coffee and a HUGE rice crispy treat and look at magazines without worrying what kid is seeing that article across the front that might be the one i would like to read, but i don't want them seeing? David's Bridal with just my engagement ring on and try on HUGE wedding dresses? That i would be all up-ons. But...it doesn't happen.
You know what "taking time" looks like when you're me? Because i don't want to assume to speak for all stay at home, homeschooling, moms of five kids.
Taking Time, The Sue Edition:
-You go to Walgreens ALONE (but left at least 2 kids crying because they wanted to come with you) for 10 minutes because you're out of milk and tp.
-You are naughty and frivolous and buy new Jergens Sunless Tanner, then feel guilty about it.
-You don't go to a salon anymore, mainly because it's expensive but alot because no one wants to watch 5 kids for a few hours, OR they do, but you feel too guilty to allow it.
-You watch Braxton Family Values while folding laundry, but then a kid comes in and you have to turn it off.
-You finally promise yourself you're going to buy a new pair of jeans since it's been 2 years, but then when you start looking at them, all kids and husband start saying how they need new stuff. So you leave, and go pick things for them.
I'm just saying, i get the idea of taking time. Doing special things for yourself. But the reality of it? It can't just be me that doesn't fit into that idea. It can't be just me that almost snorts when someone says that.
I need to be clear, i don't blame anyone else for me not doing it. It's me. I need to wake up earlier. I need to start running and working out again. I need to put more effort into making my own food like i do for the kids or my husband - or any effort. A spoon of peanut butter and handful of chocolate chips shouldn't be a meal. One day, i made myself 3 bowls of oatmeal and 2 pieces of toast. Every time it was ready, a different child walked in and said,"i'm hungry" or "is that for me?" - so how could i not hand it over? I settled on a cold cup of coffee and a Werther's hard candy i found. My 2yr old smelled my breath and tried to pry my mouth open.
I literally feel like a different person when i'm in the zone and working out. But i've even felt too tired or too guilty for that - the evil troll of guilt tells me, "You should be cleaning...how long has that laundry been in the washer? Your husband did the dishes last night again, that's YOUR job, you failure. You should write notes for his lunch again. You should make surprise notes for your kids. You haven't read books to them in forever. You don't deserve this life."
Sometimes, i think i'm just confused as to where the line is...the ME line, and the IT'S NOT MY TIME ANYMORE line. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean, i have kids now. This really means that life isn't about me anymore. It's about them. And knowing that means i feel horribly guilty when i do something that is for me. It doesn't seem to matter what it is! It's just really annoying.
I want everything for them. I want them to feel loved, protected, provided for...but then i also feel like everyone gets so used to me letting myself go for them, that they expect it...
This is all a mess, but i just like to get it out of my head sometimes. My Mom wasn't like this at all. She had her own things going on, but never seemed to want time for herself. So then i'm not like my Mom and i suck.
I also have a very painful ear zit.
I don't WANT TO BE SELFISH! I really don't. And i know this whole thing sounds like a selfish, whiny waaa-fest. I have an awesome life, i have a home, a husband who works hard, 5 healthy kids, an idiotic dog. I just want to enjoy it, appreciate it, and not feel overwhelmed.
I'm not crazy. I'm just a stupid-stupid hormonal yuck mess.