We Bought The Entire Five Below Store And The 2yr Old Shoplifted. And I Have New FAB Sunglasses That I Will Probably Lose Or Sit On And Break.

As a Mom, i used to LOVE LOVE LOVE when people would give my little kids gift cards. You know why. YOU KNOW WHY. If you don't know why, then...well, you are a better person than i am. Who am i kidding, all ya'll are a better person than i am. But then it happened. They all got old enough to KNOW. To know what that shiny, magical, happy plastic card with endless possibilities  was. I also blame one of my oldest daughter's friends. Someday, i'll get her for ruining my life. They were sitting together while #1 opened cards, and jerk-friend goes, "HEY THAT'S A $50 GIFT CARD TO TARGET!!". And since i don't lie on here, because i'm basically all about the honesty crap, my heart did a flip flop dance of death and horror. Because now, she knew. Soon after that, they all knew.




Mmmm-hmm. $4 of class comin' at you, bro.

St Patrick's Day SPLENDOR

So then it became a thing. They knew what checks were and would like that cashed out immediately, please. They knew what gift cards were and the begging started to go to whatever store like NOW. P.S. gift cards are the best easiest gift ever, i love them. But when you have 5 kids and they all have gift cards, it's kind of not awesome anymore. You see 5 people jumping up and down like they won Publisher's Clearing House, smiling, screaming, and your vision goes blurry. You might be crying. It's ok. Shh. It will be ok.

All five got gift cards to this store Five Below - for those of you who don't know, it's basically a dollar store, but cleaner and less scary people go there. They also sell Arizona tea in the BIG can for 99cents. So right there, you should know it's worth your while to get your fanny over there. I go there for stocking stuffers, Easter stuff, easy birthday gifts. My kids LOVE it. One year we got boogy boards, $5 a pop. That is the kind of lettuce droppin' i can handle. Anyway. I have been promising since they got them on Christmas day. It is now February 21st. Time to pay the piper.

Just getting us into our car is ridiculous. Wanted to leave at 11:30. I now have a 12yr old who is narcoleptic from the hours of 4am-7pm. That time in the middle, she's crazy. So i'm dealing with someone i can't wake up, 3 kids that have been awake since 6am because i promised, and a 2yr old who is constipated. Also, the dog has again eaten something not dog friendly. If you never-ever want to leave when you want to, i'm convinced all you need is a pre-teen or teen girl, a baby/toddler who is nursing, in diapers or potty training, or *waiting for lightening* a husband.

Finally get in the car. The amount of garbage that falls out in an avalanche is a big winner. Shove it back in. Buckle 2yr old. We hadn't been out of the house much this week, so it feels weird and kind of whooooo we're CRAZY just to be outside. Not joking. I started to want to do something big. Hit a museum. Drive to the zoo. But the chanting begins about the gift cards. Drive through our little city muttering about how the area sucks anymore and is going to heck in a handbasket, and blaa blaa because i'm 90. And P.S. We left for the store at 1:45.

Sometimes, you need to tell your special man you think of him when he's not with you.

GET TO THE STORE! Sun is shining! Get 2yr old out, again, crap falls out of the car. I see 6yr old is walking funny, i ask why. She tells me that she couldn't find any socks, and she is wearing gloves on her feet. P.S. The nicest looking one of us is the 12yr old. Because i'm at an awkward weight, i've reverted to dressing like a chubby 16yr old boy. I don't know why. 6yr old not only has gloves on her feet, but decided a real jacket was stupid and is wearing leggings as a jacket. The butt is over her back, arms in the legs - like a shrug. This is shiny silver. The leggings she's already wearing the right way are shiny hot pink. Thanks, Target. Whatever, right?

We spent almost 2 hours in there. Picking things up. Putting them back. Picking things up. Wait, i want to switch this out for that. How much do i have left? Why can't i get ALL candy if it's MY card? At one point, since they don't have shopping carts and i was holding #5, i put her down for a few minutes. 10yr old son carries her for a while. Finally we're good. We decided. I even got some awesome St Patrick's Day decorations AND rhinestone-zebra sunglasses which i am SO SO SO excited about, and a special coffee mug for my husband to express my love. Break out the gift cards. Lug everything to the car. Buckle 2yr old back in. Realize she is dripping in St Patrick's Day beads and bracelets. She had her own purse (she's always prepared when we go out) but i never saw her pay for these things. I didn't pay for them. Get them off her and do THE WALK back into the store. The cashiers laugh.

The face of the GUILTY.

At some point on the ride home, someone gives 2yr old a sourpatch kid and she immediately barfs all over herself. Then barfs again because, "dis-is yucky, momma".

Go home. Peel off barf clothes. Give her a lollipop. Son looks through insane huge piles of baseball cards, 12yr old taking selfy-pics with her new sunglasses, 6yr old and 8yr old eat piles of candy because i was like, "whatever just PICK SOMETHING". And i eat white cheddar popcorn, drink Arizona tea, and pretend i'm 16 again until i feel sick from eating that and drinking a 22 oz can. Because i'm old.

And that was my Thursday. How will i EVER top that today. It's only 9am. The world is mah-dang oyster. Maybe we'll go to the mall. Just kidding. I'm totally not taking these people to the mall.